When 7 out of 10 really is right for us.
It might seem odd at first to think about putting a score on a romantic relationship we are entering however most of us have done it to some extent. At the beginning of relationships many of us will have had that head over heels feeling and if asked would probably say ‘I give him/her 10 out of 10’.
Ask the same question a few months later and maybe we will have reviewed the figure downwards. This may be because we have had more time and experiences with our partner and have a clearer view of who they are, how they treat us, or we have felt some disappointment in the relationship.
‘Can a scoring system be used to help me in me finding the right relationship for me or deciding if I want to stay in my current one’? The answer I believe is yes, we can use a scoring system to help us particularly if we are willing to review past romantic relationships and clarify the patterns that recur.
We all have our own vulnerabilities and so each one of us will have our own pattern. We can all gravitate unconsciously towards people that can appear to provide a solution to our underlying vulnerability. When we enter a relationship unconsciously hoping we will benefit from the apparent skill the other has in an area we think we are most deficient, then naturally we can feel high chemistry. This is likely to be the time we are most likely to allocate a 10 to our partner particularly if we are also very physically attracted to them.
The allocation of the 10 with the hope of covering or satisfying our vulnerabilities can cause us to become blind in other areas of the relationship and if we looked more closely then we might see that there are a few very low scores around. When we discover we are in a high chemistry relationship but it cannot meet our deeper needs then we can end up feeling worse than we did before we entered the relationship.
Although it can be hard to see that 10 s with 2 s can mean trouble and 7 s can bear fruit and maybe grow to an 8 the decision to look at different people than we normally would can create real opportunities for growth and a good honest relationship.
We can work individually on our relationship patterns or in couples counselling.